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I woke up in a cold sweat one night a few years after my wedding. It wasn't for the usual reasons-my toddler crying for me from her crib, the baby inside me kicking and inducing nausea or sciatica or both. It was because I had a sudden memory of my friend David*. He was standing in the grand entranceway of the historic landmark building in Brooklyn where my husband, Andy, and I were having our reception, and he looked charmingly disheveled. He had just arrived from Boston, where he was in his first few intense weeks of law school, and I hadn't been entirely sure he'd make it to the wedding. But there he was, casual laptop bag slung over his pinstriped suit. вЂњI'm sorry I missed the ceremony,вЂќ he told me, a little breathless. He had the look of someone who had just sprinted a few city blocks. вЂњBut I'm here now,вЂќ he shouted with his famous enthusiasm. вЂњSo congratulations, Jam-Master-J!вЂќ For what had been the millionth time that glorious October afternoon, a wave of gratitude swept over me: I can't believe you made it! You got on a train for me even though you just started school! You sprinted city blocks for me! You called me by my favorite nickname!
That moment with David was so meaningful that I was still thinking about it years later, in the middle of the night. Before long, though, my 3 a.m. fog lifted, and the gratitude gave way to guilt. His own wedding had taken place the weekend beforeвЂ¦ and I hadn't attended. (Worse yet, I had RSVP'd yes.) When I'd made the game-time decision not to go, all my excuses seemed legitimate, in the way that only someone mistaking herself for the world's first parent can justify: My daughter was on day two of an intense stomach flu; I was pregnant and exhausted dealing with her illness as well as my full-time job. Also-and here is where my rationale gets murky-it was David's second wedding. His first marriage had been doomed from the start; the bird's-eye maple cutting board we'd sent them for a gift had been returned two months after we'd ordered it. By the time his second wedding rolled around, I hadn't been in touch, hadn't met his new fiancГ©e, and figured I'd gone to his first wedding, so I'd done my duty, and of course he would understand. And I was pregnant! And tired! You know, just like 9 out of 10 humans are.
I never found out if he was pissed off. But given that I also never saw or talked to him again, it's a safe bet he probably was. Because here's what I know now: If you don't show up to a wedding, you are sending a message about how much you value the bride's and groom's friendship and happiness, and it's next to impossible to redeem or forgive yourself after the fact. I would find out through a mutual friend-a better friend than I was-that David had gone through the never-fun challenges of divorce, and his second wedding, the one I had not attended, was a nonstop rager of joy and redemption.
No wonder this was keeping me up at night. I had been an awful friend, and the worst part about it was that I should have known better. The most treasured memory I have of my own wedding was greeting people in our receiving line and, with each kiss, realizing the lengths they had gone to in order to be part of our day. Like David, guests had come from all over the country to be there for us. They'd braved airport security, arranged babysitters, boarded early-morning trains, shopped for clutches and strappy heels, pored over a registry of china and flatware and chip-and-dip platters, spent money and time booking hotel rooms and hairdos. All for me. For us. This was the kind of gratitude I knew wouldn't come again soon or easily, and it was overwhelming.
As was the remorse I felt after my big no-show-so much so that it forced a switch-flip in my brain. From that point forward, if I was fortunate enough to be invited to join a couple on one of the most important days of their lives, I would do whatever I could to show up. Of course there would be extenuating circumstances, but all conflicts and excuses would have to pass a rigorous litmus test, i.e. вЂњHave I done everything possible to get there?вЂќ And eventually I made sure to apply my new rule to other milestone circumstances: engagement parties, bridal showers, baby showers, big birthdays, and especially funerals (which deserve their own essay entirely).
As if the wedding couple's appreciation wouldn't be reason enough, I found my new rule had selfish benefits too. A few weeks after my big turning point, when I was five months pregnant and running on fumes, I fought through the excuses and found myself across the country, on top of California's Mt. Tam, wearing a Target maternity dress borrowed from a coworker (no shopping!) and observing my college roommate exchange vows with her longtime girlfriend. They were both clad in long white satin gowns, their veils blowing in the Marin winds, with a spectacular view of San Francisco in the distance. When would I ever be witness to something that dramatic again? A year later, with two kids under two, I set my alarm for 4 a.m. and drove six hours solo to a friend's wedding in Vermont. I was dreading the long trip, but before I was even a few miles from my driveway, I realized that this was going to be as good as a honeymoon in Mo'orea: six hours of alone time. No needy backseat babies begging for the вЂњSpaghetti with FreddieвЂќ song. I cranked Lucinda Williams and any music that wasn't sung by a cartoon character and dreamed of the next morning, when I could sleep in-maybe even past seven.
Because I started saying yes, I got to sit next to a famous civil-rights historian while eating Old Bay-seasoned blue crabs and drinking from pitchers of beer while overlooking Baltimore's outer harbor. I visited beautiful Columbia, Missouri-somewhere I'd never have gone otherwise-and saw the childhood home of a favorite coworker. When a high school friend of mine got married in the Berkshires, my husband and I stayed in an inn that we liked so much, we returned there the next year just because.
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Mostly, though, saying yes allowed me-allows me-to give other couples the I-can't-believe-you-came-for-me moment that so many people gave us. And slowly, very slowly, I get to pay back the gratitude debt I owe to DavidвЂ¦ and the universe.
*A name and details have been changed.